48 Christmas's and 52 days

I haven't written because I didn't know where to start...like maybe if I didn't write about it it would make it less real. But it is the last day of the year and with tears in my eyes OK maybe running down my face, I say good bye to 2011 and good bye to my brother, "Rocky" Kirk Derichsweiler -- Oct. 06, 1962 - Dec. 12, 2012. We spent 48 Christmas's together and a short lifetime full of joy and the most awesome relationship a bother and sister could ever have. I think it is important that people know that organ donation saved his life
 (I gave him a kidney on Feb. 17, 2006) and it was cancer that took it. I miss him terribly and I know all the right things spiritually  -- that time will heal and grieving is a process and to be grateful for all that we had and that he will no longer suffer -- but, for those of you that have grieved such a loss you know it doesn't help, it hits you like waves out of no where I can have entire bad days or sometimes just moments. One thing I know for sure is that his energy is present and I talk to him and lean on him now more than ever when I am feeling sad or a little depressed. And, I now know more than ever how important it is to reach out to those of us grieving. I have needed every single post, text, thoughts, cards, prayers, hugs, check ins, all of it helps even when I don't have the energy or I am not in the right place to respond it all helps. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by a wealth of love and support from my partner, family, friends and community.
I was with my brother when he passed or as I like to say, transcended. In his last 24 hours one of the things I did as I had done with him before was to talk him through one of his favorite rides -- every little detail from what was in our packs, to the feel of the trail and the breeze on our face. He loved mountain biking so much and was super fit and good at it but one thing I am certain of no one had more fun then he did riding single track. He could always be seen with a big smile on his face and would just be in it --  every turn, every climb, every little techy bit and all the beauty of where he was, he never forgot to look up. So, of the many things I will cherish about my brother one will always be his love of the outdoors and riding bikes which brings me to where I am with Knellie (my new knee). Rocky was one of my biggest fans and cheer leaders, he always thought I was better than I am and he made me feel great about whatever endeavor I was doing. Rocky new exactly what was going on with my knee and my goals and our plans together after the rehab. I will honor those still and take him with me in spirit as I am now through every workout until I get there.
The nuts and bolts --
It has been 52 days since surgery. Ok, so I obviously feel like I am behind --  I wasn't exactly focused on my PT or anything for the last 7 weeks but with that said I think I am ahead of the game. I can get to 109 degrees of flexion with sweaty palms and gritting my teeth. I need to be at 120 degrees before I can turn over the pedal on my bike. I will never ever take for granted being able to pedal my bike! I am about 2 degrees away from full extension. My scar is healing beautifully and swelling is going down. I have been using physical therapy,  Nomatec Compression boots at All sports recovery club  http://www.allsportsrecovery.com/  (and Xanthe just got me some for Christmas!), massage, vitamin E oil, a buffer, cold laser, Jaz flexion / extension brace, and good hard work. Although the lack of flexion is difficult and limits my motion there are things already that I can do without pain that I was not able to do before. Rocky and I have high hopes for this knee and I know with the entirety of my heart I will take it and his spirit with me to many beautiful, challenging, peaceful, joy filled places and
I will not forget to look up.
(I love you, Rocky)